Twisted Yarn

It will only take a moment.

2005-09-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

The sound of the exploding shotgun filled the surrounding area. As the smoke cleared, farmer John rubbed his eyes in disbelief. The young man was still walking towards him. "I forgive you", the young man says as he continues his approach. John loads the gun and fires it again. Through the smoke, the young man is still walking towards him.

Hands trembling and voice shaking, farmer John cries out, "What do you want?" as he loads the shotgun for another blast.

"I already told you. I want to talk to you about the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints."

"Bullshit!", the farmer cried.

With the young man now stopped at the end of his shotgun, the farmer tells his son, "You go inside now Jeremy and tend to your mother"."

The boy stands there in silence, stunned by what he just saw take place. "Git goin'!", the farmer cried, and with that, the boy ran inside and closing the door to the house behind him. The farmer raised the barrel of the shotgun to the forehead of the young parishioner. "Now what are you gonna do you son of a bitch?"

The young man said nothing. Just stared in the farmers eyes. His look was cold and somber.

CH-CHICK. The shotgun is cocked.

"I'm warning you!", the farmer cried out, "Get out of here!"

The stare is becoming painful with every passing second. Ten seconds pass, it feels like an eternity.

"I'm sorry", the farmer says quietly to himself. Was he apologizing to the man, who's life was about to end, or to himself, because he knew that once he pulled his trigger, his life would be changed forever?

BLAM!

my boss is a jewish carpenter

2005-08-05T11:08:00.000-04:00

As Farmer John looked out, he squinted in the blazing sunlight and saw a silhouette of a figure approaching. He got his shotgun in the ready position and yelled out "Who is that and what are you doing on ma propurty?! Are you what skeered ma boy?!"

There was no response from the figure, and Farmer John yelled out again threatening to shoot. As the figure got closer and then understood the threat, its arms went up and pleas of "Don't Shoot!" came from its direction. A young man in black pants, white shirt, and a black tie appeared out of the backlit cornfield. "Sir, might I have a minute with you to speak about the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints?"

Farmer John cocked his shotgun and politely said, "HELL TO THE NO!"

Homecoming

2005-08-04T17:39:00.000-04:00

Jeremy ran towards his father, terror on his red face.
Buddy ran up onto the porch and inside the house.
Farmer John grabbed a hold of his son as the boy stopped violently in his father's large, calloused grasp.
"Where in the WORLD have you been, boy?" the farmer asked his son, getting on one knee.
"Your ma and I have been worried sick! Did you fall asleep out in the barn last night? Did you go down to the pond moonlight fishin' again and doze off?"
But the farmer knew something far worse had happened to his son, as the boy burrowed his face in his father's overalls and clung onto him for dear life.
Farmer John hoisted his child up and carried him into the house for his wife to take care of.
She ran to them, grasping Jeremy from his father, and carried the boy into his room.
Farmer John reached for his shotgun behind the front door and squinted into the morning sun and the trampled path of corn his son had made, coming home to him.
Thank God he came home to him.
"What in the HELL happened, boy?" John breathed out quietly to Buddy, who slowly joined his owner on the porch, ears up and nose pointed towards the cornfields.
"What in the hell is out there?" the farmer exhaled, as he gripped his rifle tight and slowly took a step down the front stairs of the house, never taking his eyes off the corn.

bacon provided by...

2005-07-21T22:51:00.000-04:00

"where the hell did that boy go?" farmer john said, eating a piece of delicious bacon and scratching his head. he liked standing out on the back porch like this, where he could see his land stretching to the ends of the earth it seemed. he could see his pigs rolling around in their own crap (as pigs are wont to do), and cows lazily chewing their cud. that's a real nice mornin', he thought to himself, better find that fool boy of mine and git to wor- his train of thought was cut short by a blood-curdling scream. he looked towards the south field and saw jeremy running like a bat outta hell, buddy in the lead as usual.

"now what in tarnation's got into him?" he asked no one in particular.

Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Bakey

2005-07-21T09:01:00.000-04:00

Darkness.
The smattering of raindrops attacking him relentlessly.
And all Jeremy could do was lay in the pool of his own Quiznos' sick.
Lay there in the darkness.
Lay there, unaware of the footsteps making their way into the clearing.
What he heard next trailed off until he was completely unconscious.
The sickening sound of bones and flesh being mangled, possibly eaten.
It was a grotesque sound of splatter and dripping.....
Being wet in the face and having something nudging him back to the waking world, Jeremy painfully pried open his squinted eyes.
Something was attacking his face violently. It was soft and wet.
Buddy was licking his owner's face.
Jeremy slowly rose up and Buddy backed away.
The boy looked around his surroundings groggily and quickly stumbled back on all fours in terror.
The entire bovine carcass was gone!
All that was left from it, was the crimson dirt that once lay under it...
Jeremy managed to get to his feet, smacked buddy on the hindquarters, and ran as fast as he could back to the farmhouse, in the clear light of day.

Jimmy Crack Corn

2005-07-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

Flies started buzzing around his face... and he saw maggots writhing throughout the carcass. The entire scene overtook him and poor Jeremy vomited his entire lunch all over. It was a shame too, he loved a good Quizno's sandwich. He fell to his knees in pain, continuing to dry heave.

Jeremy snapped out of his daze and crawled away from the heifer... rolling over on his back. He could still hear Buddy barking in the distance, but as much as he wanted to get up and find out at what, he couldn't just yet.

Despite the bizarre situation, Jeremy started to fall asleep in the warmth of the sun. What sounded like footsteps, crunching on the fell corn, began closing in on him.

CAUGHT!

2005-07-20T18:27:00.000-04:00

Jeremy suddenly felt as though he had no control of his body. He felt trapped. One leg pulled away from him and then the other. He could not stop himself from walking towards the center of the clearing. There is an extreme stench surrounding him. It is, without a doubt, coming from the steaming cow carcass in front of him. What could have caused this animal to end up this way? As he got closer, he realized that the bovine was turned inside out. Why could he not stop? He kept thinking

"STOP!!!!!
	STOP!!!
		STOP!!!!!!"

His internal screams would do no good as he continued to be pulled towards the center, and the inverted animal.

A New Beginning

2005-07-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

Clouds rolled ominously in from the east.
The corn fields bellowed as one, the distant rumbling of thunder heard through the dark slate sky.
Jeremy ran through the field, calling out to his dog Buddy.
"Buddy! Here boy! Where are ya boy?!?!" the little boy cried out, furrowing his brow upwards at the churning sky.
He heard his dog bark out a few yards ahead into the increasingly dark row of corn before him.
That's where the old scarecrow is put up, Jeremy thought.
He quickened his pace and swatted his hands up in front of his face, knocking a way towards his goal.
Almost there, he thought as he pushed his way into the clearing where his dog Buddy was heard barking.
Jeremy, breathing erratically, stepped into the open area and his knees buckled under his weight. His big blue eyes widened in fear and his face contorted into a grotesque visage.
There was no escaping now. It was too late.

THE END

2005-07-11T23:51:00.000-04:00

So, in hopes to bring a bit of life back into this here story, the current story is over. Lets go ahead and start anew. Would anyone like to start?

smart shoppers!

2005-06-26T10:04:00.000-04:00

chris finally broke the silence. "i... i... i guess i like the g-g-g-glitter?" he stammers.

a dark look crossed al's face for just a moment before he yelled, "ARE YOU CRAZY?!? GLITTER! I'M NOT GAY! LACE IT IS!" he threw the pillow, and jason thanked got that it landed on paris' face, covering her zombie-like stare.

al looked closer at the frilly lace-covered pillow and smiled. "do you love it??!?!" he asked.

chris was frozen in terror from al's outburst. after getting an elbow in the rib from jason, he blurted out "i love it."

"i got it at ross!" al sang out, dancing across the room to...EW!... kiss his wife... (sorry, i just threw up in my mouth a little. gross.)

Hangin' wit da Boyz!

2005-06-20T22:23:00.000-04:00

Jason and Chris were slowly awakened from their slumber by the rather loud sounds of Cyndi Lauper. As the beginning chords of " Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" began blaring throughout the darkened room, the two boys slowly arose, horrified at the spectacle before them. Peering to the left, they saw Star Jones quietly munching on a leg of lamb that was somehow rather nicely covered with peanut butter. `` What the hell's going on here, man?`` Whispering this softly to Chris, Jason's eyes immediately widened, as he saw another figure sash-shaying towards them.
Clad in only a pair of red galoshes and a pink thong, the boys were horrified to see Star Jones's flamboyant husband, Al. Twirling around, Al stopped suddenly when he saw the boys, allowing a huge smile to form. " Heeyy.. you guys! I didn't know when you'd wake up, seeing as how my bay-bee got ya, pretty good!` As the boys slowly rose, they stepped back slowly, allowing a giggle to escape from Al. `` Now, now.. c'mon boyz! This here, isn't gunna turn out bad.. take Ali G 's word for it.`` Turning to his wife, who gave him a grunt of approval, and dove her face back into the lamb carcass, Al scurried over to his table. Picking up two pillows that contained lace, glitter, and different shades of pink, Al turned to the boys. `` Isn't pink luxurious? I need your opinion, which is better, the pink with the lace or with the glitter?`` Waving the pillows in front of the boys, and still dancing, Mr. Star Jones was ever the impatient boy, throwing the items down angrily. `` Harumph.. you boys, are such Gloomy Gus's! All I'm asking for, is a simple answer here.. tick, tock..`` Gesturing towards the pillows, the boys were frozen in their stance, wanting to die laughing at this overly G man, but not knowing entirely what he was capable of. Allowing a schoolboy giggle to escape, Al continued dancing around, humming the beginning bars of the next song, and sliding on the matching pink bra, while the boys peered at the lifeless body of Ms. Hilton, completely frozen, not knowing what to do.

you smell what the museum is cookin?

2005-06-17T19:57:00.000-04:00

as the hulk of a person came closer, and closer, and closer, a melange of smells assaulted the boys' noses. jason tried to pick them out individually - donuts, chocolate, fish sticks... "what's that one?" he thought to himself. it had a nostalgic quality to it, he couldn't quite place it. then the humongous creature's foot came into a tiny patch of light from some unseen source. "source... source... why did i just think the word source?" pondered jason. he started to panic as the realization came over him, his mind began racing, remembering going shoe shopping with his mother at payless after they'd see the new bogo commericals - "oh, no. no, no, no. anything but this. hasn't today been bad enough? fuck, how do we get away from--

jason's train of thought was cut off as star jones grabbed him and chris by the throat, pulling them up to her puffy, bloated face. they grimaced at her fried chicken/rotten milk/red hots stench emanating from her ketchup-smeared piehole.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU BOYS DOIN' IN MY WAX MUSEUM!!!" she hollered, then throwing them to the ground.

the last thought through jason's mind before he passed out was how pleasant it was to have a breath of fresh air after being captive to the breath of the massively fat shoe whore.

Death Of a Social Butterfly

2005-06-16T14:51:00.000-04:00

The boys gasped at each other, hearing the squeals below the floorboards.
They ran towards the back of the "Diff'rent Strokes" exhibit, knocking over a small Gary Coleman wax replica, erupting a warbled "Whatchoo talkin' bout Willis?" from the figure's damaged voicebox.
Jason and Chris found a hidden door behind a plant, kicked it open in a moment of heroism, and ran down some dimly lit stairs.
They followed the sounds of the heiress' sobs and came upon a candlelit room. There the Barbie-doll lay limp, in a chair with belts tightened around her slim wrists, ankles, and neck.
Her dark circled eyes were opened wide in horror and frozen there.
She lay dead before the boys.
They looked at one another, then back at her. There was some shuffling coming back into the room.
Both boys skittered behind a large rusty steel saw and hid.
A large figure entered, shuffling it's tree trunk legs and wearing a splattered tunic.
The boys squinted toward the dimly lit intruder, sweat stinging their eyes.
The figure was grunting and whimpering to itself as it came upon the lifeless body of the heiress. It blocked the view of the body and began doing something to Paris that made her legs and arms shake violently.
Jason let out a gulp and looked at Chris.
Chris looked down at his crotch as a stream of urine trickled down his leg and out from behind the saw. He was scared pissless. The stream ran out and then down into a nearby grate, creating a tiny tinkling sound.
The large thing halted its work, stiffened up, and slowly turned towards the sound. It then cocked it's head to the side and started to walk towards the two friends.
They still couldn't make out the features of their stalker, but it was coming closer to them...

Running just as fast as we can!

2005-06-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

In the midst of all of the wacky wax, the group managed to split up in the television room. It was amazing, but this room was filled to the brim with as many wax figurines as possible. As Chris and Jason walked by the Facts of Life display and stared in awe, both yelling loudly. " Hells yeah, there's Natalie!" Shaking his head in disbelief, Chris leaned forward, gently rubbing her waxy turkey neck, peering at his friend. `` Dude, this is amazing.`` Jason broke his stare from Mrs. Garrett, and turned back to his friend. `` Man, I've gotta admit.. I always thought Natalie was the shit. Isn't she, like, in rehab or something?`` As the guys wandered over to the Alf Area, they both marveled at the uncanny resemblance in the wax figurine of the father. Of course, neither of the boys remembered his name, they just admired his amazing work. `` Dude, you remember the Dad, don't you? He was in National Enquirer, puffing the magic bong?`` As both of the friends laughed and reminisced in that moment, they were pulled out of their happiness, as they failed to hear their favorite heiress's voice. `` Paris?`` Both of them continued making their way through the very lengthy room, before stopping at the Dukes of Hazzard exhibit, immediately frozen in their tracks, Jason immediately caught Chris before he toppled into the man-sized hole that was before them. `` Dude, shit! What the hell's going on? Where's Paris?`` As both of the guys glance around, they gasp collectively as they see a familiar pair of Jimmy Chou shoes, dangling on a nail over the hole. `` Roller-skates on a social butterfly.. Miss Hilton... Miss... HILTON!`` Hearing their favorite heiress's theme song being blared, the boys immediately peered down the hole, both yelling, as they noticed Paris being dragged across a floor in what seemed to be a well-lit room. Watching the rather slutty heiress screaming, their eyes immediately widened, as they heard a ripping sound, and hear the song immediately cut off, and another familiar one taking its place. `` Oooohh... child... things are gonna get e...easier!``

That's hot

2005-05-21T11:23:00.000-04:00

The trio slowly walks into the old abandoned "House of Wax". Chris and Jason look at each other and then back at Paris. "If you were in disguise, why did you use your real name?", Chris asks.

In a tired and less than enthused voice, Paris answers, "Acting is hard. And then you are like, using a different name, so sometimes, you don't even knwo who they are talking to and stuff."

"Oh".

The cobwebs are pretty thick as they enter the first room. A sign above the door is covered with dust, but they can make out the words, "Television" In the room, there are many wax figurines of television stars of the past. Paris walks up to a wax figue of Juan Epstien from "Welcome Back Kotter". She looks him up and down with a blank stare that only she can do and says, "That's Hot".

"Look!, there's Tom Corbett"!", Jason shrieks in delight!

Not knowing who he is talking about, Paris and Chris stop and stare at Jason.

"The Courtship of Eddie's Father?, classis series from late sixties to early seventies?, Bill Bixby, pre Hulk?, No?"

Paris breaks the silence, "That's Hot"

celebrities revealed!!!

2005-05-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

paris climbed into the backseat and kicked off her shoes. she demurely pulled on her hollister skirt so it wouldn't ride up and show off her lady business.

chris looked at jason and mouthed something to him.

"what?" asked jason. chris repeated the mouth motion.

"what?" jason asked again.

this time as chris was mouthing his words at him he got punched in the arm. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST FUCKING SAY IT!" jason shouted.

chris shrugged and turned around in his seat, facing their new passenger. "dude, that hotel only got built like 6 years ago!!! you're at least 18... aren't you?" he asked hopefully.

paris' face went from a look of complete boredom to one of dismay. her cover had been blown, and she knew it. slowly, she pulled off her mousy brown wig, exposing her trademark blonde tresses.

"hi, i'm paris hilton," she said, "maybe you've heard of me? now let's get this fucking museum thing over with, i have to go home and find a new city to hide out in afterwards."

One Night in Paris

2005-05-20T10:49:00.000-04:00

As the guys approached their car and opened the doors to get in, someone yelled.

"Hey guys, wait up!"

It was their waitress. She jogged across the parking lot to catch up and a little winded asked, "You want me to show you around or something? I just got off my shift and this town is ridunculously boring. I don't want to go home yet you know?"

Ummmm, well okay... why not? It's like our theme of the trip. Running into, picking up, disposing of strangers, you know whatevs," Chris replied.

"We wanna go to that House of Wax up there. Is it worth it?" Jason asked.

"I've lived here all my life and believe it or not, I have never been. It's kind of a tourist thing. So just consider me your tour guide. My name is Paris by the way..."

The guys looked at each other and thought "you have got to be kidding!"

Paris continued, "I know it's totally lame, my parents conceived me in that stupid Paris themed hotel in Vegas. I'm having it legally changed as soon as I can. Don't get me started. Anyway, let's get going shall we?"

tipping is not a city in china

2005-05-19T19:54:00.000-04:00

after bickering over who should pay for the carafe of orange juice the two had split - jason had two glasses while chris only had one - and then deciding if their waitress was a 10% or a 15% tip waitress, the boys paid their bill and left the diner. chris paused outside the door, looking off into the distance.

"what is it?" jason asked. he looked in the direction that chris' head was turned, seeing the house of wax again. "damn that place looks creepy," he said.

they both stood there, staring.

"MEOW!!!"

the sound of the stray cat brought the pair back to reality. they watched as the pitch black feline with a missing ear sauntered past them, pausing to see if they would pay any attention, or at least contribute some food. getting no reaction from the two, he continued down the street.

jason took a step towards the museum. then another step. before he knew it, he was across the street.

"JASON, NO!!!"

he turned to see chris waving his arms frantically. "let's drive to the museum instead," chris said, "cuz something tells me we're gonna need to save our energy."

House of Wacks

2005-05-17T10:57:00.000-04:00

"Wow. Never heard of this place", Jason stammered.
"Oh I have," said Chris." 'Sposed to be the home of the Big Sky Starlet".
"You're right. We also are known for being the single town in America with only one movie theater that has shown Cannonball Run consistantly for almost the past 24 years ! Not to mention, we have a one of a kind wax museum too! Don't you boys forget to check that out!" the chirpy waitress smiled. "Now what can I get ya?"
"I think I will just have the Soup and Salad as long as I can have breadsticks and a whole stick of butter to go with them" Jason deCREED.
"We don't carry items like that. We DO have Lasagna and a new special, the Tuscan Garlic Chicken though", the waitress replied.
Jason and Chris ordered the Tuscan Garlic Chicken, a little puzzled as to why an establishment like this would have such culinary delights but not soup or salad, and then peered out the window into the town.
Far off in the distance stood the town's House of Wax. It loomed over everything and it's facade was lit with spotlights.
The town looked scarce. There were lights on in the windows of the homes and businesses that lined the Main street (and only street), but no one was out.
It WAS late, Chris thought, but still.
"You boys ain't from around heer are ya?" an old raspy voice started up in the booth behind Jason.
They turned to see an old coot wearing a fisherman's hat and a vest over a seedy looking striped button-up shirt.
"No sir, we're just passing through" Chris spoke back.
"This town has a death curse!" the old wack-job groaned.
"Ol' Monty! Would you shut the fuck up!" an old scraggly woman behind the counter screeched. "Eat your fuckin' stew! Don't I make the best goddamn stew around here?"
"You make the best goddamn stew around here Ethel" the old coot sheepishly answered, turning back to his plate.
"Heeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" the little greasy woman Ethel exclaimed loudly, as she brought down a meat cleaver on a freshly plucked chicken's neck. The head severed from the plump body as the two boys looked at each other instantly and yelled, "Check please!"

We've got to get away from this insanity!!!!!!

2005-05-16T10:18:00.000-04:00

The two boys watched quietly. Their gaze fixed on people that were no longer there. Even the hot dog man couldn't distract them from the horror they just witnessed. They didn't know the ladies too long but there was a connection that they could not explain.

"Mom.", Jason whispers as he mouns the passing of a woman who he started to believe was indeed his mother.

"Cummon Jason", Chris says, "We need to find some place where nobody will find us, nothing can happen and most of all, we can get some rest. After all this excitement wears down, then we can hit the road again. Sound like a plan?"

Jason nods his head in agreement and the two guys get in the car. Chris starts the car, turns and heads north, the way they came from. "What are you going turning around?", Jason asks. "There was a highway a little bit up the road, I figure if we take that, they wont be able to find us."

"Who's `they'?"

Chris just looks a Jason with a solemn stare they tells alot, but says nothing.

The car intersects highway 212 and they head west. They travel through a section of Wyoming, only to enter Montana moments later. It seems like every mile Jason asks if they had gone far enough, but everytime he asks, he gets the same answer, silence.

Hours pass and they can't get very many radio stations and it is getting late. They pass a sign that reads :LAME DEER 8mi LITTLE BIG HORN 56mi.

"I think we should stop at Lame Deer", Jason suggests. He continues to get the silent treatment.

As the car approaches Lame Deer, there is a double lane road that is runnning north, the car squeels as it turns onto it. Another span of time passes and Chris is turning on to roads without street signs. The road is dark and the sun has set a long time ago. In the distance there is a red light blinking. As they approach it, they see it is a small town. They stop at the blinking light and take a look around. To the left is a large building which appears to have a restaurant of some sort and to the right is a convinence store.

Chris turns to the left and into the parking lot. As they exit the car, they see the sign on the side of the building. It reads Coal Bowl. It even has a picture of Fred `Twinkletoes' Flintstone with his bowling ball and waterbuffalo hat. Chris looks around and finally says, "We can stop here" and begins walking in. "Here? Where they hell is here", Jason asks as he follows Chris into the restaurant.

The restaurant is standard family fare. Nothing too extravigant. It is filled with families and even some local color along the bar stools to the right. There are a lot of younger people working there as Jason notices as he looks into the open window to the kitchen. He has always been mindful of health code violations since working in a restaurant. Everything looked good. In the distance he could hear the sounds of bowling pins falling coming from the adjoining bowling alley.

The young hostess seats them at a booth, drops off some menus and walks off. Chris is studying the menu when Jason asks, "Okay so where are we?" Chris shrugs and says, "dunno". Just then a sweet voice says "You must be lost." The two boys look up to see a girl in her late-teens, dressed in a little checkered waitress uniform holding an order pad. She's even got a little paper hat on. "You're in Colstrip. Colstrip, Montana."

ESP This!

2005-05-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

Chris looked frantically at Jason, then at the ladies, then at the slowly approaching nutcase on his bike, pulling the weiners behind him.
"This shit is ridiculous!" he screamed, going into full-on panic mode.
Jason slammed the trunk shut and put his hands on his head in defeat looking back into the distance.
The two dirty birds, Cheryl and Patty, clucked frantically at one another, waving their hands wildly and spinning around dramatically in the middle of the road.
"Thank you both for saving our lives, but, I think this is the end of the line for us you guys!" Patty exclaimed. "Cheryl and I have PTA meetings to attend to, kids to cook macncheese for, and husbands to serve beer to. And by the way, I think my ESP is starting to wear off!"
And with that, a huge semi zoomed by, slamming the two filthy birds in its grill.
Jason and Chris looked at one another as the sudden death of the two women had them in awe.
Slowly in front of them, the hot dog weirdo cycled by, turning his head to look at them and stopping.
"Wanna buy my weenie?" he exclaimed, nodding down to his crotch.
His fly was open and his long, flaccid schlong, resembling an oversized cheeze-doodle, was exposed.

Wanna buy My Weenie???

2005-05-10T15:36:00.000-04:00

As they approached the shiny object, they noticed that it appeared to be a rolling hot dog stand being towed by a bicycle.
When they got close to it, the hot dog salesman was wearing a dress, clown hair, red nose, and pink slipper booties.
Oh shit, exclaimed Chris, how many more fucking freakos are we going to encounter?
The cart swerved back, and forth, rider chanting "BUY MY WEENIE, BUY MY WEENIE."
Chris exclaims "STEP ON IT, LETS GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!!" Jason floored it, and sped by the cart. They didn't get far before the tension was shattered by a loud BOOM, the car shook furiously, they veered off to the side of the road, Jason got out, to see the left rear tire had blown.
Jason ran for the trunk, and opened it to find that the spare tire was gone, but that was the least of their problems as off in the distance they could hear the ching-ching of a bicycle bell, and chant "BUY MY WEENIE" looming closer....

Blinding

2005-05-09T18:27:00.000-04:00

"Let's just get going.", Chris said to the group.

The now, four members of this ongoing excusion slid into the car and got into place. Jason got in the driver's seat and placed his key in the ignition. As he turned the key, the engine came to life. His had put the car in gear and they took off. "So now what?", he asked.

Chris truns to face the passengers in the backseat. "I don't know about you ladies, but I'm getting pretty tired. Of course it seemed like a week or so since we did anything, but now that we are moving again it just seems..."

"What the hell is that?", Jason interupts.

Chris quickly turn to the look down the roadway and sees a large shiny object about a half mile down the road. "Can we go around it?"

"I'm not quite sure. Lets see."

"Here we go again. What's gonna happen this time?

6 days 7 hours 23 minutes 5 seconds

2005-05-08T09:43:00.000-04:00

"DAMMIT!" Thanks to that shirt, Jason just remembered he totally forgot about the rare, talking Gigli action figure auction he was the high bidder on just before their departure. He had figured they could stop somewhere with wifi and check on it via his laptop. But of course, due to all these random occurences, no luck. He was sure he'd lost it by now.

"What's wrong?" Chris asked.

"Ah nothing, it's stupid, but I'm pissed right now," Jason looked at the dirty birds embracing, "And just then I felt like I was in a chapter of Pulp Fiction."

Oh SHIT!. You are so right on. Let's call that chick Honeybunny from now on. I bet she'd help us rob a diner. Ha!" Chris laughed at himself, while Jason got this weird squinty look in his eyes...

Hush Puppy Horror!

2005-05-07T21:07:00.000-04:00

As the young woman began furiously pointing the revolver at the trio, the scene seemed to be all too much for Patty. Covering her ears, she crouched down behind Chris, absolutely hating to hear the "F" word. The only time Patricia enjoyed hearing foul language, was when it was spoken by her Rutgie in one of his infamous movies. As the young woman continued hurling the obscenities, Patty couldn't help but notice the blonde's choice of shoes... Hush Puppies. Continuing to squint at the shoes, she gasped rather softly as she noticed that one of the straps seemed to be a little bit torn. " Cheryl?" Slowly standing up, Patty realized that she was standing face to face with another one of Festus's victims. As the blonde lowered the gun, she looked rather shocked, before a smile slowly began to form. " Patty? Oh, my gawd, hun!" Tossing the revolver onto the grass, she ran forward, and furiously hugged her fellow dirty bird, before smoothing out her Kathy Ireland sweatsuit. " You all must be thinkin' the worst of me.. especially you boys.." Shaking her blonde pixie-cut, she walked over to the trunk, slamming it, and hopping up on it. Reaching into her pocket, she retrieved her hand sanitizer and began cleaning her hands, as Patty and the boys curiously approached her. " Cheryl.. how did you.. when did you escape, dear?" As Cheryl shrugged her shoulders, she peered out on the road, reminiscing about her escape. `` Joanne.. You remember Joanne, don't you? Looked like the red-headed version of the little girl from the Go-Go's? Well, Joanne was able to shimmy out of her ropes, and give me a good push out of the truck. That horrible country fellow, was taking a tinkle out in the woods, I believe.. and looked like his wife and kids was examinin' some sweaters, so I had a chance. And, boy did I take it! Whoo-Whee! I had to run like a bat out of hell, girl.. just to be able to catch up with you guys at the Gas Station. You boys really oughta to look at the latch on your trunk.. any old person could just climb on in.`` After glancing at the t-shirt that peeked out of Cheryl's suit, Jason and Chris were trying to hold back laughter. The blonde peered down, noticing their reaction, and nodded proudly, before unzipping the jacket.
`` Got this on E-Bay! Part of the press junket, and boy was it a find!`` What stood before them was a nice iron-on t-shirt that displayed the poster image from the classic Nora Ephron film, "Sleepless in Seattle."

what the shit!?!?!

2005-05-04T20:28:00.000-04:00

"okay, like i haven't said this enough times today, but WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS!!?!?" shouted chris as he pulled an oversized baby bootie from the trunk and flung it to the ground in horror.

"oh, whoops..." said jason sheepishly, "sorry dude, i kinda put that in the trunk back at the barn... you know,... like a souvenier..." he trailed off.

"open the trunk all the way, chris" patty said, as she stepped behind jason to shield herself from whatever horror may wait in the trunk.

chris took a step closer to the trunk. he reached out and grabbed it, yanking it open - a disheveled young woman popped up, pointing a revolver at them. "GET THE FUCK BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!" she yelled.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2005-05-04T15:18:00.000-04:00

Patty slowly put the phone down and tapped Jason on the shoulder.
He was already listening to the conversations she was having via cel phone in the back seat.
Jason slowed the car down as the three passengers turned their heads towards the trunk.
It was flapping wildly open as they were on the open highway and they were too busy listening to the Southern Fried sounds of SCOTS.
"Pull over" Chris blurted out, Jason slowly pulling off onto the dusty side of the road.
Patty exclaimed, "I may be psychic, but I didn't see this coming. You don't have to be a mind reader to know that whatever is back there in the trunk can't be good".
She locked her back doors and the two hesitant boys got out of the vehicle and approached the trunk.
The trunk door had flapped down. There was a little noise coming from the inside of the trunk, some moving around.
Chris reached his hand to open the trunk and...

A Little Scary

2005-05-04T13:29:00.000-04:00

After the little orgasmic episode with the ding dongs, Chris with his new CD (Southern Culture on the Skids), Jason with his new magazine (Hustlers Beaver Hunt), and Patty finishing off her last chocolate, cream filled ding dong, they sped off down the highway.
Not long into resuming their trip, a ringing sound drowned out (Too much pork, for just 1 fork) playing from Chris's new CD, it was Patty's cell phone, she answered it, on the other end was a gravely/whispery voice asking "Have you checked the children?" Patty asked What did you say? "Have you checked the children." Patty immediatly hung up, the phone rang again, "Have you checked the children, I know where you are. Patty quickly hung up, and dialed 911, when they answered, she explained the situation, and asked if they could trace the call, they agreed, and said that they would call when they got the results.
As their trip progressed, they received a slew of calls, asking "Have you checked the children", and "Dead by Dawn, Dead by Dawn, Dead by Dawn. "
Just when Patty thought she couldn't take any more, the phone rang again, she answered "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The voice on the other end said Patty, this is trooper Danielson from the state police, we have a trace on your caller, the calls are originating from your car.

Sweeeeet Dreams.

2005-04-24T20:39:00.000-04:00

The vehicle immediately stopped into the parking lot, causing Patty and her son and Chris to exit quietly. Smoothing her hands on her Jaclyn Smith cargos, Patty stepped into the store, eager to finally get some ding dong... Hostess that is. Everyone went their separate ways ; Patty down the sensual snack cake aisle, Jason to the magazines, and Chris began glancing at the small display of CD's. Gathering a handful of Hostess Ding Dongs, Patty could barely contain her excitement, before violently tearing open the wrapping, and shoving one in her mouth hole. Placing a hand on the aisle, a loud " OOOOHHHHHH!" somehow found a way to erupt through the mess of chocolate and cream filling in her hole. It was safe to say that Patty was enjoying one of her many loves. Hostess Ding Dongs were right up there along with knitting, and porcelain dolls, on Patty's list of loves. Of course, we couldn't forget Rutger Hauer either, because to Patty.. this man was an absolute fox. There wasn't a day before her torturous ride with Festus, that Patty didn't watch her copy of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on VHS. Patty didn't like to brag, but she had seen everything that Mr. Hauer had been in, and enjoyed reinacting his more entertaining scenes in the comfort of her bedroom. Wiping her mouth, she smiled through chocolate-covered teeth, as she thought about one in particular.. `` Your puny faith...`` Tossing off her cape, Patty slid on her leather jacket, jumping to the other side of the room. `` No.. my keen fashion sense!`` Whipping out her can of Cheese Whiz, a little disappointed that she had to improvise, Patty sprayed the contents from her can, on the now cape-covered cat that laid on her bed. Giggling, rather triumphant, Patty blew a quick kiss to the paused image of Rutger on her tv screen.

Mind Melding Melee'

2005-04-24T19:31:00.000-04:00

Patty calmly listened to the two young boys in the front of the car yammer on about how their lives were suddenly in turmoil.
Her life had taken a turn for the worse too.
But what a wonderful turn! She was able to meet her long lost son!
Her telepathic powers placed her in the back bed of that yokel's truck. She could have easily used her telekinetic abilities to release her restraints, but she waited patiently, digesting a mouthful of hand sanitizer all in the love for her long lost son.
"Jason, pull off the road at this next truck stop", she softly but sternly demanded.
Jason, busy conversing with his friend, twisted his head to the back seat, and listening to his long lost "mom", quickly turned the wheel so that they all went barreling into the parking lot of the "Take a Load Off Truck and Gas Stop".
Patty could sense that it was time for them to lay low a while.
Plus, she was dying for one of those Hostess Ding Dongs. The cream-filled center practically had her moist with anticipation.

wtf?!?!?!

2005-04-20T17:45:00.000-04:00

"What the hell did you think I was going to say?", Jason replied. "For all i know you are just some bimbo that `Toothless Joe' picked up after skinny dipin' in Camp Crystal Lake. "You're not going to even ask me why I think that?", his so-called-mom asks. "Ah...No. I don't care to think what some crazy bitch thinks. It's bad enough we are only a day into our road trip. A road trip that I have been looking forward to and we get chased by a huge man dressed like a baby, wearing skin alover his head like he'd been at the beach too long...chased by cops after running over an old man, chased by cops after leaving a restaurant, crashed our car into a warehouse, which killed the big baby dude, ran into Destiny's Child, threw them out because they are damn annoying and all I wanted was a new CD, something to eat and to see Mount Rushmore!!!!!", Jason exclaims as he runs out of breath from his long statement.

"Holy Shit", Chris jumps in, "what a day!"

"You're tellin' me...", Jason agrees.

wtf, mate?

2005-04-19T23:04:00.000-04:00

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!" yelled jason.

Patty primly folded her hands in her lap and stared out the window. "I knew you were going to say that," she replied.

Let's Mind Meld

2005-04-19T14:29:00.000-04:00

"Now that you've rescued me, I have to tell you something," Patty said while fixing her bun. "There's a reason why you came upon me in that meat truck."

The guys looked at each other with the "oh great, another bible thumper" look on their faces.

"You're going to think I'm crazy..." she paused.

"Why would we think that?" Jason replied, while Chris held in a fit of laughter coming on.

"...I'm Jason's biological mother and I was calling out to him with the powers of my mind."

The Rescuers

2005-04-18T22:06:00.000-04:00

"You boys din't see nothin', you din't hear nothin'. You got that?" Festus said as he squinted at Jason's horrified expression etched out on his face.
"I didn't see a thing! How 'bout you Jay?" Chris babbled, looking quickly back at Jason, then back at the crazy old coot.
"Not. A. Thing." Jason stared at the blue tarp, almost fixated in a stare.
The old man, satisfied with those answers, shambled back to the front of the truck where his wacked out family stood clumped together.
Just as he shuffled away, Patty popped her head outta the tarp and, amazingly, reached a hand towards Jason and Chris.
"Gurgle, uggg...get me OUT of this truck!" she blurted out of breath, hand sanitizer streaming out of the corners of her mouth.
Without thinking, Jason yanked the older skinny woman out of the bed of the truck, muffled gasps of the other "game" fluttering excitedly underneath the blue tarp.
The two friends and their rescuee sprinted towards their Chevy.
Jason and the others whipped into the car and Jason turned the ignition, starting the car up and driving past the old man and his family.
"You boys off so soon?" he said disarmingly, having not paid attention to the rescue that took place while helping his littlest child learn how to make a loop with their knitting needle into some sort of material that was a pinkish flesh color.
"Yessir. Nice to meet you!" Jason yelled as the car barrelled back towards the highway.
"That was CLOSE!" Chris breathed heavily, and looking in the back at Patty.
The older woman was pulling on her turtleneck and squirting the remaining hand sanitizer into her hands and rubbing them together.
"Thank you boys so much!" she gasped, leaning back into the seat, looking out the back window as her captor and her fellow captives getting smaller in the distance.

How the caged bird sings . . .

2005-04-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

Jason and Chris finally made their way to the architectural wonder known as Mount Rushmore. Parking their car, the two friends quickly made their way through the thousands of people, stopping at the monument. `` Dude... this is amazing!`` Expressing his wonder, Jason gently shoved his friend, staring amazingly up at Rushmore. `` Woo-hoo.. yeah! Get er done, kids! This is what 'r country's all 'bout!`` Hearing a rather loud and annoying country-twang, the two friends peered next to them, noticing a rather rough-looking fellow dressed in camo. Holding a gun poised over his shoulder, and wearing bright orange goggles, the guy introduced himself as Festus to the boys. `` It was my mamma's maiden name, fellas.. so don't give me crap about it..`` Rather confused, Jason and Chris slowly began to walk away from the site, amazed at how many creepy weirdos they've encountered in this trip. `` Hey, fellas! Bet you're wonderin' why I'm dressed like this..`` Gesturing at his outfit, he waved over his shoulder, signaling the guys to follow him across the parking lot. The guys follow him to his cherry-colored Ford Ram truck, stopping rather slowly at the tarp-covered bed. `` Wow, Festus.. that's a.. nice tarp you've got there?`` Rather confused, Chris stayed close to Jason, as Festus pulled back the tarp, allowing a wide grin to form. `` Look what I bagged.. you little bastards! Bet you wish you got a piece of the action!`` Rather wide-eyed and horrified, Jason and Chris noticed four women placed randomly throughout the truck, all hog-tied, and all wearing Keds and turtleneck sweater combos. Jason couldn't help but stare at the blonde with the pixie-cut, and a copy of Bridges of Madison County shoved in her mouth. `` I caught me some of Rapid City's finest, boys! These here.. are the Rapid City Dirty Birds! Screw your deer or moose, these babies come 'round all year!`` Sniffling, and wiping his runny nose, Festus continued. `` They flock mainly to the non-fiction sections of libraries, parent-teacher conferences, Meg Ryan retrospectives at the local cineplex... not too hard to find at all!`` Interrupted in his speech by a short waspy housewife in a red Jaclyn Smith number squealing, he placed a hand on the truck, leaning forward. `` Gettin' a little bit fiesty, aren't we, Patricia?`` Unzipping her leopard print fanny pack, Festus pulled out a rather large bottle of hand-sanitizer, noticing her yearning and glancing at the boys with a smile, he flipped it open and squeezed the contents on her face. Thrashing and gargling, Patty lurched forward, accidentally taking out Sandra and Connie in the process, before she glanced frantically at Jason. Festus immediately threw the tarp back over the bed, tucking in the women before the next ride.

Finally, a disease ridden- but full, belly.

2005-04-16T13:31:00.000-04:00

The boys emerge from "Pauline's Pit", a seedy looking "family style restaurant". "Why did we do that?", Jason asks. "I know, I must have contracted at least seven food-born illnesses and a handful of communicable diseases while in there.", replies Chris. Jason bends over and in a gutteral voice states, "We should have ate somewhere else.". "Where in the middle of no-where. There is nothing else."

The duo hobbles to their car and sits for a moment. Staring blankly out the windshield at the long dust road ahead.

They fill up the tank and head on down Highway 90. As they aproach Rapid City, they see signs for Mouth Rushmore National Park. After what seemed like, hours of silence, Jason says, "You know, I've lived in South Dakota my whole life, and I've never seen Mt. Rushmore." Surprised, Chris responds, "You haven't, not even in a field trip in school?", Jason shakes his head, "Then let's go. I love it! It's so great, you wont believe the beauty!" Jason begins to think he opened his mouth too soon.

Chris merges the car onto I-16 towards Mt. Rushmore...

Totally Addicted to Bass

2005-04-15T15:38:00.000-04:00

Jason and Chris made a distance they felt was cool to slow down a bit. "I'm still fuckin' hungry, dude," Jason told his pal.

"Well maybe this time we can find a place that doesn't serve man-babies and cops?" Chris added, "because I'm prejudiced like that."

"No complaints from me!" Jason replied.

The two drove looking around for somewhere, anywhere to eat... even a gas station. Just then they heard the low rumbling of a kickin' bassline getting louder as it was clearly coming closer. A ridiculously huge escalade with diamond encrusted license plates reading "DIVA4U" sped by making a meal of dirt & dust for the boys to chomp on.

Jason stuck half his body out the window and flipping the double bird yelled, "ASSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOLES!!!!!!"

Bugaboo

2005-04-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

>COUGH!<
>COUGH!<
"Damn mothafuckas!" the one known as Beyonce cacked, as she stood up and brushed off the dark green, sequined mini she wore, designed exclusively by her mother.
"Well, I am sure we can find someone to give us a lift girl", Michelle confided, brushing her hair away from her face and standing.
" I don't want a FUCKIN' lift! I am a STAR! I shouldn't be on this damn dirt road in the middle of nowhere with you two fuckin' washups! I MADE our group! Without me, ya'll be two lil' nappyheeaads still livin' up in Texas!"
And with that, a silver Escale sped by and rammed into the sparkly diva, knocking her ass 40 feet in the air and leaving a serious dent in the front of the vehicle.
"Dayum. I have been wanting to do that for toooooo long, girls!" a voice purred, the tinted window slowly inching down on the perp car.
It was none other than Maxine from the hit girl group En Vogue!
"That bitch stole our act!" she sneered through the windshield as the luscious booty once known as Beyonce finally landed in the ditch on the side of the road.
"C'mon girls!" Maxine motioned to Kelly and Michelle. "It ain't yo' fault that bitch had a damn ego tha size of that fat ass o' hers! Get in! We'll drive you to Texas! We gon' run over that bitches momma too! I HATE them fuckin' dresses she make!"
Kelly and Michelle approached the car apprehensively, the back doors opening to expose a crowded clown car of girl groups from the past.
Members of En Vogue, SWV, Xscape, and Brownstone were smiling towards the newbies, all cramped up in the ride.
"Come on in, sistas!" they all cooed in unison.
The two looked at each other and entered the car, smirking over their shoulders and that dead-ass diva in the ditch.
"Now let's go after that momma o' hers!" Kellie growled as the back door closed and the car sped off, laughter trailing off into the night and the loud sound of bass and harmonizing R&B filling the air...

Independent Women!

2005-04-13T18:45:00.000-04:00

`` Lucy Liu... with my girl Drew.. Cameron D.. and Destiny.. Charlie's..`` Before Chris could find out just how independent these women were, Jason abruptly slammed on the brakes. Opening up the passenger door, the girls were thrown roughly out of the car, eating dust and gravel on the way down. Kicking the door shut, and climbing back into the car, Jason started it up and drove, before glancing at a speechless Chris. `` Dude, what the hell?!?`` Chris squeaked, rather disappointed that the fun ended. Allowing a sigh to escape, Jason peered at his friend, before turning on the radio. `` Man, I did both of us a favor..`` Still scoffing, he pulled into the highway, allowing a laugh to escape. `` Singing all of their goddamn songs.. the entire trip..`` Running a hand through his hair, Jason still peered over his shoulder, relieved that the cops weren't in sight for the moment. `` Dude.. you wanna know something?`` As Chris turned rather depressingly, he sighed. `` You just completely disrespected the greatest musical group of all time..`` Allowing a laugh to escape, Jason shook his head and kept talking. `` O..kay. Well, like I was saying.. when I tossed the girls out.. I totally touched Kelly's Rowlands..`` Both friends burst out laughing, as they continued their interesting journey.

survivors!

2005-04-12T22:19:00.000-04:00

jason couldn't speak. his eyes wouldn't leave the bloated sack of fat in a shitfilled diaper laying on the car in front of him.

just close your eyes, damn you, look at the wall, look at freaking destiny's child, look anywhere. just stop fucking looking at this, he scolded himself silently.

"HEY ASS!!!"

jason was jerked out of his trance - he turned to see chris yelling at him. The fabulous ladies of Destiny's Child were obviously stranded, and they needed a ride.

"will they help us get this thing off the hood?" jason asked, jerking a thumb towards the whale of a corpse. he marvelled at how it already smelled 500 times worse than it did when it was living.

"don't mind my retarded friend here," chris said to beyonce. "uh... i think we're gonna go now," he said over his shoulder to the cop as he ushered the women towards the cavalier.

jason had retrieved a crowbar from the trunk. he slid it under manbaby and tried to use his weight as leverage to move the body. it wouldn't budge. chris walked over and tried to help. nothing. finally, with destiny's child standing on the crowbar singing the national anthem and the three men pushing downwards, manbaby started to roll. it was a sickly wet sound as he hit the ground, what looked like diarrhea oozing out of his wilted diaper. the guys and the rockinest r&b divas ever got into the car and peeled out.

"how the fuck am i gonna explain this one?" said dangle to himself as 5 more police units finally pulled up, with the cops camera crew in tow.

Revealed!

2005-04-12T18:28:00.000-04:00

As "Dangle" walked further into the dark building, he remembered, flashlights are part of my arsenal. The flashlight sparked to life as he pointed into the dark abyss, revealing the horrors that lurked beyond.

Dangle noticed three large high chairs with people in them. His heart started to race. He could not make out the faces of the trio in the chairs because their backs were to him. This adds an additional feeling of dread. "Should I continue in or wait for back up?", he thought. Supressing the fear, he proceeded to carry his shorty shorts and his piece into the unknown.

"Put your hands up!", he shouts. Six fraile arms reach towards the ceiling above. They are shaking. "Where's that big fuckin' freak baby thing?" He looks around. He's not to be seen, but Dangle knows that he's there. He can still smell him. His thoughts are taking over...
Oh God, the smell.

Getting close to the three high chairs now.

What was that!?!

Damn, where the hell is that ugly mother fucker?

As Dangle walks around the trio in the high chairs, he starts to make out their faces. These ladies look familiar. As he catches himself in a stare, the ManBaby jumps out of the oversized diaper basket in the corner of the room. He is running towards Dangle. He's got what looks like a milk bottle in his hand.

Just as the ManBaby is about to unleash whatever evil lurks in the bottle he is weilding, a loud crash is heard and light comes pouring into the building. A car is crashing through the wall. The car is heading for the ManBaby. The car is a Chevy Caviler. It's Jason and Chris!

Their car slams in to the ManBaby and barely misses Dangle as he runs over to the trio in the highchair and pushes them to the ground and out of the way of the speeding car. Dangle now remembers where he has seen these women before, on that music video with that marching band. It's Destiny's Child.

The Caviler comes to a stop, with the ManBaby still attached to the front of the car like a hood orniment or one of those pretty mermaid girls on old pirate ships. Jason and Chris stumble out of the car and see Dangle and the girls.

"Oh my God! It's Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle!", Chris exclaims.

Goo Goo Gaa G...DAYUM!

2005-04-12T09:02:00.000-04:00

With a report on his radio, Dangle stands up and takes off, his REALLY short shorts bunching up into his beans and franks and nesting up his buttcrack.
The officer rounds a corner in hot pursuit of the hulking Man Baby. He follows the distinct aroma of baby powder and human excriment to an abondoned warehouse.
As he entered the dark building, he could hear shuffling off in the distance.
"Backup! I need backup!" he whispered forcefully into his walkie.
He could hear the faint wail of the Man-Baby crying for his bottle and for a new change of diaper.
"If you could bring some new Pampers, that would be a plus!" Dangle finished, as he widened his eyes in horror at the unGodly odor that eminated from MB's trail of stench.

I need a bambulance!

2005-04-11T18:30:00.000-04:00

Through the muted vastness of the baby food, the struggling office Estrada heard the sound of screetching tires and the whir of a police siren. The manbaby releases his pressure on Estrada and ducks out of sight. The officer, responding to the call for back-up, steps out of his cruiser.

He is dressed in tight fitting shorty pants. He dresses this way to combat the `bitchin' heat' or so he says. People on the force call him "Dangle" based off some character in a T.V. show. It doesn't bother him much, but then again, he's never seen the show.

He runs over to his fellow officer in distress and pulls him out of the slop. Estrada still has the bib around his neck. As he coughs up the pune's, he asks, while trying to recapture his breath, "Did... you... see... where... he... went?"

Dangle looks around to see if he can find the perp.

Backseat Baby

2005-04-11T17:14:00.000-04:00

Cradling the pacifier in his hand, Estrada looked at it, with confusion and horror. Suddenly, his favorite Inner Circle 8-Track, and his most favorite "Bad Boys" song was interrupted. `` Oooh.. child... things are gonna get..`` As the tune changed to an unfamiliar oldie but goodie, Estrada peered over his shoulder, coming face to face with the infamous Man Baby. Quickly, a bib was hurled around Estrada's neck, the strings becoming tightened rather violently. Being yanked rather roughly, Estrada did a back-flip over the front seat, quickly landing on his stomach. The Man-Baby quickly climbed on top of Estrada, tossing his gun out of the window. As our favorite officer began thrashing Traci Lords style, he became dunked into a bin of what looked like Gerber Baby Food. As Estrada's lungs became filled with stewed prunes, things looked grim for our favorite cop.

When They Come For You

2005-04-11T15:53:00.000-04:00

Estrada ever so coolly slid back into his '83 Chevy Caprice cruiser and popped in his Inner Circle 8-Track tape. He had it custom made so he could do his job the right way... the only song on it being "Bad Boys", on an endless loop.

He fastened his seat belt, adjusted his mirrors, checked his blindspots, started the car, turned on his blinker, checked his blindspots again, made sure no children were playing in or around the vehicle, tuned the dispatch radio to the proper frequency, checked his blindspots once more, used the biker's turn signal with his arm, and finally slowly advanced the cruiser into the deserted street.

He got up to 40mph and no further than a block away when SCREEEEEEEECH... he slammed on the breaks after noticing a baby's pacifier on the dashboard. "What in the B.A. Barracus is this?" he asked aloud...

2005-04-10T16:36:00.000-04:00

"backup, i repeat, i need backup!" officer estrada yelled into his mic. "i was just about to dispatch some units to harbor division when i was able to id one of the suspects from the hit and run this morning! i'm in pursuit now!"

there was silence on the other end of the line. darlene just hated when he said that bit about harbor division. why didn't he just say i was taking a shit like everyone else? she sighed. "copy that, what's your 20?"

estrada detailed the street they were on and where they were headed. he put on his aviators and checked his hair in the rearview mirror before settling in for what looked like an interesting chase. he broke out a new piece of dentyne, thanking god that cops was filming in his city today and that he had remembered to shine his shoes.

Oh Come on...

2005-04-09T23:40:00.000-04:00

Chris looks up from his plate and like a dog, stares at Jason with his head titled in confusion. Chris grabs Jason by the shirt collar and drags him out the door. "But what about our lunch? I'm starving!", Jason excalaims as he's being pulled out the door and the sight (as disturbing as it is) of his food, is getting smaller as it goes out of view. He hears Dirty Darlene screaming for them to come back because they haven't paid. They get in the car fast and start to drive off. As they are leaving the parking lot, they can see through the heavily stained windows, Darlene telling the cop about their "Dine and Dash". The cop runs for his patrol car and begins pursuit.

As Jason and Chris are speeding down the road with the police a block or two behind them in pursuit, Jason asks, "Would you mind telling me what the fuck that was about?"

Baby Go Boom Boom

2005-04-09T19:08:00.000-04:00

Then the gurgly voice started in, "Goo goo ga ga, baby needs a diaper change." Jason's sphincter tightened up faster than a jennifer lopez record falls on the billboard chart. "Goo goo ga ga..." said the voice, and Jason slowly reached down pulling up his shorts as he stood.

"Baby needs a di-," the voice stopped as the bathroom door opened and someone else walked in. Jason could barely breathe as he heard a radio transmission, "All units be on alert for murder suspects."

"Oh SHIT," Jason though to himself... It's a cop! Keeping an eye on the booties next door, he made his move and quickly exited the stall and exchanged "Hi's" with the cop who grabbed his place in the stall. He hauled ass to the table where Chris was examining his Business Woman's Special.

Feigning a smile and without opening his teeth he quietly demanded, "Let's. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here!"

Glory Hole Nightmares

2005-04-09T16:26:00.000-04:00

Jason sat in the stall, plop after plop, strain after strain, remembering that LAST time he used a public bathroom.
He was 7 years old. He was sent into the mens room by his mom at the local K-Mart to go "job" as she would call it: which meant, #2.
Jason went into the scary looking bathroom and entered one of the filthy stalls.
He put some paper on the seat gingerly, and pulled his shorts down and sat up on the pot. Looking around, he noticed all of the walls of the stall had writing. Lots of phone numbers. Lots of 4 letter words he didn't understand.
There WAS one thing though. A little hole in the wall. He heard a noise in the next stall and noticed someone through the hole. They were, what it seemed like to him, wrestling themselves between the legs, to put it mildly. The man suddenly stopped, looked into the hole at him and said, "Eat me".
To this day, Jason doesn't use public bathrooms, he thought to himself.
As if the nightmare was coming back into stark reality for him, Jason heard a small muffled moan at first coming from the stall next to him. The small moan then started to transform into baby babbling.
Who the fuck is in the next stall doing baby gibberish?
He slowly leaned down to look under the stall next to him and noticed two large sized feet with oversized, stained baby booties on them.
He looked back up and gulped.

Filthy Fun

2005-04-09T15:49:00.000-04:00

While Jason was busy dropping Russell Huxtable off at the pool, Chris managed to find a table in this colorful dining establishment. Picking up a rather rough looking and sticky menu, he began looking purusing the pages, a little intrigued and horrified with some of the choices. They had everything you could ever want at Ted's Tastee Freaks, but Chris decided to not be too wacky with his choices. Impatient that Jason hadn't returned, Chris went ahead and ordered for both of them. Their waitress who was conveniently named Dirty Darlene, stopped by the table, sporting a very nice face tattoo, and looking like she washed her hair with Advanced Auto Parts finest oil.
`` Uh.. we'll have the umm..`` Hearing a rather frustrated sigh, and noticing Darlene brushing her hair back with her magic marker-stained hand, Chris quickly ordered. `` I guess we'll have the Business Woman's Special?`` After quickly handing back the menu, and praying that he didn't just contract Syphillis, Chris peered around the restaurant.

Dine n' Dump

2005-04-09T14:02:00.001-04:00

"Your stomach may be speaking in tongues, but I am TOTALLY prairie-doggin' it dude!" Jason moaned as he wiggled in his seat.
"Pull over at the next food joint, dude" Chris winced.
With that, the two road refugees pulled into Ted's Tastee Freaks.
Turning the engine off, Jason waddled/ran to the men's room and Chris sauntered his way to the register.
Little did the two of them know, parked next to them was a familiar '65 Cadillac...

Jumping Julio Iglesias!!

2005-04-09T13:38:00.000-04:00

Jason frantically ran through Best-Buy, copy of Jack Frost 4 in his hand, and the infamous MILF smell which was mostly composed of Curious by Britney Spears, and diaper rash cream still on his clothing. After spotting Chris at the register, and explaining the situation, the two friends raced to their car. They quickly sped out of the parking lot, almost colliding with the infamous Geek Squad car that happened to be entering at the moment. After a lot of driving, and listening to the new Julio Iglesias CD that Chris managed to snag, there was a sudden rumbling within the car. Raising a brow, rather confused, Jason peered over at Chris. `` Dude.. was that your stomach?`` Glancing down at his tummy, Chris laughed rather loudly. `` Looks like the tank's speaking Portugese.. time to fill 'er up!``

Back that Stank Up

2005-04-09T13:37:00.000-04:00

And what a scent it was. Just then, Jason released a silent but deadly fart that could have killed a third world nation. The knot in Jason's stomach suddenly came back. Since the excitement had died down, he now remembered he had to take the unholiest of dumps, but he HATED more than anything the thought of using a public restroom. Ever since the incident at least.

2005-04-09T09:08:00.000-04:00

"oh thank god you found it!"

jason spun around to see a woman pushing a stroller. he stared at her blankly, wondering what the hell she was talking about and if he'd find that freaky manbaby by the wiggles display.

the woman took the rattle out of his hand. "little timmy's been crying ever since he realized it was gone. that was five hours ago... i thought he'd just forget about it eventually." jason continued to stare at her silently. "well, thanks again," she said, as she wheeled her now-quiet timmy towards the door.

as jason scanned the store for his r&b-loving friend his mind was racing, wondering if man-baby sent the milf over to throw him off the scent.

Jonesing

2005-04-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

After what seemed like forever, Jason and Chris were no-longer being trailed by the infamous Man-Baby of Maple Falls. `` Damn, dude.. I really want some Beyonce..`` Sighing regretfully about their failed Best Buy trip, Chris leaned his head against the window. Peering over at his friend, Jason shook his head, allowing a laugh to escape as they pulled into the Best Buy parking lot in the lovely town of Lily Haven. As the car quickly pulled into the parking lot, the two friends exited the car, each with their own agenda. Chris was majorly jonesing for some Destiny's Child, while our dear friend Jason was looking for his favorite film Jack Frost 4: Gore in Gay Paree' on DVD. Chris died laughing, as they began looking through the store, Jason set off for the $5.00 movie bin, while Chris stayed in the music section. After spending a few moments stewing in his man-crush for Julio Iglesias in the Latina Musica section, Chris finally let out a cry of triumph as he pocketed the newest Destiny's Child DVD, eager to see the new video. `` Hells yeah, I luvz me sum Survivor.`` As he stepped to the register to pay, our dear friend Jason took a quick detour in the World Music section, stumbling before he could reach his favorite Salsa Beats section. `` Son of a bitch, what the hell is this?`` Picking up the rattle he tripped over, a look of horror formed on his features.

Shaken AND stirred

2005-04-08T22:05:00.000-04:00

Unbeknownst to Jason and Chris, the Man-Baby gets back into his car, places the knitting needles down on the seat next to him and starts the ignition. He slowly heads down the same dirt road that the two young men have just fled down. He's got a scent. He thinks he knows where they went. How could he? They drove off so fast. The dust that their tires kicked up masked any sort of clue to where they went. Still, he... it...continued on.

"What the fuck was that back there?", Chris screams.

The cars speedometer is racing along at 85MPH, they are racing in and out of traffic. They speed past the Best Buy. "The Destiny's Child video is gonna have to wait.", Jason says, "Let's just get the fuck out of here."

Roadside Distraction

2005-04-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

....an overgrown Man-Baby in a bonnet made of human cheek flesh. He was using a rusty knitting needle to sew what looked like human skin into a sort of "flesh sweater".
Jason and Chris looked at one another, all desires to pick up a few goodies dashed.
They slowly backed up and re-entered their car.
"Po-po tailing us or not, this place is fuckin' crazy!" Jason whispered out of the side of his mouth.
As he started the car and slowly backed it up down the dirt road in clouds of dust, the large Man-Baby put a bootied-foot out of the car and he stood up in the sun, the lipstick messily scrawled on his twisted puss, glistening. He held the knitting tools limply in his big meaty grip.
As he became smaller in the rearview, Jason and Chris could hear a loud, inhuman wailing coming from the twisted roadside stop. And in the background...."ooooo child, things are gonna get better"......beckoned to them, like a song of hope.
"I really wanted that dickey for Mom" Jason sighed as Chris leaned back in his seat, contemplating their next stop.

A SAL-ivating Detour

2005-04-08T21:33:00.000-04:00

Heading down the highway, Chris quickly turned down the radio after noticing a sign before hitting Best Buy. Jason noticed the same sign, and sat up quickly, peering across the dash. `` Duuude.. Sal's Sweater Shack.. just 5 miles down the road..`` Deciding what the hell, and wanting to be wacky, the two friends slowly headed towards the wonderful landmark. After turning down a dirt road, and driving for what seemed to be forever, they finally reached their destination. Turning off the engine, the two remained in the car, peering across the dash. `` What the hell, man?`` What stood before them, was not a Sweater Shack, but instead was a 65 Cadillac, with the trunk and doors open. After sitting for what seemed forever in the car, the two friends slowly exited. Chris wanted a nice v-neck sweater, and Jason knew his mother Gladys was dying for a sweater/dickey combo. Approaching the vehicle, the beginning chords of a certain song erupted from within the radio. `` Ooh... child.. things are gonna get..`` Before the verse could finish, they heard a rather manly country-twang finish the song, `` E..EASIER..`` Hearing a ripping sound after that, the two friends peeked into the vehicle and were horrified to discover...

Life of the Party

2005-04-08T17:12:00.001-04:00

"well i had some dry cleaning i had to pick up," says chris, "and i really need to take killer party back to the video store. i hate them so much, they're total nazis about late charges. oh and this song reminds me - doesn't the new destiny's child video come out today? we should totally go to best buy."

there was a long pause.

"you're real fuckin' great at a party chris," says jason. he turns the radio up as they head towards the highway.

Good Idea

2005-04-08T14:41:00.000-04:00

"Good Idea", said Jason as he gets out of the car to grab the bottle. Just as he's grabbing the bottle Mrs. Garberton, the nosey next door neighboor is watching from behind her living room window. She's on the phone and staring at the two boys. Jason calls to Chris, "I think we've been spotted". Chris tells Jason to get back in the car. Paying an homage to The Dukes of Hazzard, Jason jumps through the window as the car peels of down the street. The sound of sirens can be heard. Jason sticks his head out the window and screams at the old bitch watching him. "I'll kill you if you tell, just like this old fuck!". As he refrences the late Mr. Parker, the car hits a thump in the road. The thump was the old man they just killed.

The song is still playing on the radio...

"There's no load I can't hold, Road so rough this I know, I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors!!!!!!"

"Where should we go first Chris?"

Paradise by the Dashboard Light

2005-04-08T13:09:00.000-04:00

Jason stared squinty-eyed into the rearview mirror as the Jesus Is My Homeboy air freshener dangled about. He replied, "Yeah, I have no clue what this song is about either."

"Not that you idiot!" Chris squealed, "You just killed the old man!"

They both paused and looked at each other. "Oh yeah," Jason said.

"Nice job," Chris giggled, as he high-fived his friend. "Now let's get his flask of whiskey..."

...and continues...

2005-04-08T09:37:00.000-04:00

Moments after sliding in his "On the Road Again" mix tape filled with 80's pop road hits, Jason suddenly succumbed to one of those dark voices in his head.
It was instantaneous.
Without Chris even looking up, he slammed on the brakes, put 'er in reverse, and stepped on the gas, aiming the bumper of his car like a homing missile towards old crotchety Mr. Parker. That old turd would never doubt him and his choices again.
With a loud thump, the car hit the elderly man, throwing his fishing cap off his head and his cane to the ground.
As if coming out of a coma, Jason stared at the dashboard. All he could hear was the loud incessant screams coming from Chris. "What the FUCK? What the FUCK?"
The sounds of Tom Cochran on the radio "Life is a highway....I wanna ride it all night looooong" playing in the background...

The Story Begins...

2005-04-08T08:53:00.000-04:00

It's a cold and snowy day in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. As the snow begins to fall, two young men are beginning to put suitcases in the trunk of a grey Chevy Cavalier parked in front of a house in the middle of a congested neighborhood. One of the men, a tall drink of water with dark brown hair turns to the other. "Jason, can you believe that we are actually going through with this?" Jason stops for a moment to ponder the question he was just asked. "How long have we been talking about going on this road trip and now we are finally doing it!", he responds. "I know, it seems surreal."

As the two men continue to load the car, making sure to fill up as much space as possible so no inch is left unused, an elderly man approaches. "You two really going on this trip?" he asks. "Yes sir we are.", Jason responds. "It's damn foolish, driving off to God knows where, not having any plans..."

"That's where you are wrong Mr. Parker, we have a plan.", the young man interrupts. "Oh yeah? Well enlighten me Chris, what would that be?", the old man asks. "Our plan is to head to warmer climate, see what there is to be seen, live like we want to live, do what we want to do and prove to ourselves that there is more to life than Sioux Falls.", He responds.

"Well, if you ask me you're making a big mistake. You've got no money, no real plan, nowhere to go and no clue how to survive in the real world.", the old man insists.

The two men climb into their seats in the car, Chris takes the wheel and Jason is in the passenger seat. Chris turns his head out the window and takes one last look at Mr. Parker and says, "Well, nobody asked you. We'll do fine. Thanks for your vote of confidence."

He starts the ignition and takes off down the road. The old man watches as the car vanishes into nothingness. "Damn fools.", he mutters under his breath...

Welcome to Twisted Yarn

2005-04-02T16:23:00.000-05:00

Hey babies! This will soon become a growing online community for creative people. This will be a place for us to showcase our imaginations to the world. This will be a place where above all else, you can laugh. In the coming weeks, we will start a story and through out the week, members can add to the story and take it in whatever direction they want. So, stop back soon because in the next few days... the yarn gets twisted.