Saturday, May 21, 2005

 

That's hot

The trio slowly walks into the old abandoned "House of Wax". Chris and Jason look at each other and then back at Paris. "If you were in disguise, why did you use your real name?", Chris asks.

In a tired and less than enthused voice, Paris answers, "Acting is hard. And then you are like, using a different name, so sometimes, you don't even knwo who they are talking to and stuff."

"Oh".

The cobwebs are pretty thick as they enter the first room. A sign above the door is covered with dust, but they can make out the words, "Television" In the room, there are many wax figurines of television stars of the past. Paris walks up to a wax figue of Juan Epstien from "Welcome Back Kotter". She looks him up and down with a blank stare that only she can do and says, "That's Hot".

"Look!, there's Tom Corbett"!", Jason shrieks in delight!

Not knowing who he is talking about, Paris and Chris stop and stare at Jason.

"The Courtship of Eddie's Father?, classis series from late sixties to early seventies?, Bill Bixby, pre Hulk?, No?"

Paris breaks the silence, "That's Hot"
 

celebrities revealed!!!

paris climbed into the backseat and kicked off her shoes. she demurely pulled on her hollister skirt so it wouldn't ride up and show off her lady business.

chris looked at jason and mouthed something to him.

"what?" asked jason. chris repeated the mouth motion.

"what?" jason asked again.

this time as chris was mouthing his words at him he got punched in the arm. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST FUCKING SAY IT!" jason shouted.

chris shrugged and turned around in his seat, facing their new passenger. "dude, that hotel only got built like 6 years ago!!! you're at least 18... aren't you?" he asked hopefully.

paris' face went from a look of complete boredom to one of dismay. her cover had been blown, and she knew it. slowly, she pulled off her mousy brown wig, exposing her trademark blonde tresses.

"hi, i'm paris hilton," she said, "maybe you've heard of me? now let's get this fucking museum thing over with, i have to go home and find a new city to hide out in afterwards."

Friday, May 20, 2005

 

One Night in Paris

As the guys approached their car and opened the doors to get in, someone yelled.

"Hey guys, wait up!"

It was their waitress. She jogged across the parking lot to catch up and a little winded asked, "You want me to show you around or something? I just got off my shift and this town is ridunculously boring. I don't want to go home yet you know?"

Ummmm, well okay... why not? It's like our theme of the trip. Running into, picking up, disposing of strangers, you know whatevs," Chris replied.

"We wanna go to that House of Wax up there. Is it worth it?" Jason asked.

"I've lived here all my life and believe it or not, I have never been. It's kind of a tourist thing. So just consider me your tour guide. My name is Paris by the way..."

The guys looked at each other and thought "you have got to be kidding!"

Paris continued, "I know it's totally lame, my parents conceived me in that stupid Paris themed hotel in Vegas. I'm having it legally changed as soon as I can. Don't get me started. Anyway, let's get going shall we?"

Thursday, May 19, 2005

 

tipping is not a city in china

after bickering over who should pay for the carafe of orange juice the two had split - jason had two glasses while chris only had one - and then deciding if their waitress was a 10% or a 15% tip waitress, the boys paid their bill and left the diner. chris paused outside the door, looking off into the distance.

"what is it?" jason asked. he looked in the direction that chris' head was turned, seeing the house of wax again. "damn that place looks creepy," he said.

they both stood there, staring.

"MEOW!!!"

the sound of the stray cat brought the pair back to reality. they watched as the pitch black feline with a missing ear sauntered past them, pausing to see if they would pay any attention, or at least contribute some food. getting no reaction from the two, he continued down the street.

jason took a step towards the museum. then another step. before he knew it, he was across the street.

"JASON, NO!!!"

he turned to see chris waving his arms frantically. "let's drive to the museum instead," chris said, "cuz something tells me we're gonna need to save our energy."

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

 

House of Wacks

"Wow. Never heard of this place", Jason stammered.
"Oh I have," said Chris." 'Sposed to be the home of the Big Sky Starlet".
"You're right. We also are known for being the single town in America with only one movie theater that has shown Cannonball Run consistantly for almost the past 24 years ! Not to mention, we have a one of a kind wax museum too! Don't you boys forget to check that out!" the chirpy waitress smiled. "Now what can I get ya?"
"I think I will just have the Soup and Salad as long as I can have breadsticks and a whole stick of butter to go with them" Jason deCREED.
"We don't carry items like that. We DO have Lasagna and a new special, the Tuscan Garlic Chicken though", the waitress replied.
Jason and Chris ordered the Tuscan Garlic Chicken, a little puzzled as to why an establishment like this would have such culinary delights but not soup or salad, and then peered out the window into the town.
Far off in the distance stood the town's House of Wax. It loomed over everything and it's facade was lit with spotlights.
The town looked scarce. There were lights on in the windows of the homes and businesses that lined the Main street (and only street), but no one was out.
It WAS late, Chris thought, but still.
"You boys ain't from around heer are ya?" an old raspy voice started up in the booth behind Jason.
They turned to see an old coot wearing a fisherman's hat and a vest over a seedy looking striped button-up shirt.
"No sir, we're just passing through" Chris spoke back.
"This town has a death curse!" the old wack-job groaned.
"Ol' Monty! Would you shut the fuck up!" an old scraggly woman behind the counter screeched. "Eat your fuckin' stew! Don't I make the best goddamn stew around here?"
"You make the best goddamn stew around here Ethel" the old coot sheepishly answered, turning back to his plate.
"Heeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" the little greasy woman Ethel exclaimed loudly, as she brought down a meat cleaver on a freshly plucked chicken's neck. The head severed from the plump body as the two boys looked at each other instantly and yelled, "Check please!"

Monday, May 16, 2005

 

We've got to get away from this insanity!!!!!!

The two boys watched quietly. Their gaze fixed on people that were no longer there. Even the hot dog man couldn't distract them from the horror they just witnessed. They didn't know the ladies too long but there was a connection that they could not explain.

"Mom.", Jason whispers as he mouns the passing of a woman who he started to believe was indeed his mother.

"Cummon Jason", Chris says, "We need to find some place where nobody will find us, nothing can happen and most of all, we can get some rest. After all this excitement wears down, then we can hit the road again. Sound like a plan?"

Jason nods his head in agreement and the two guys get in the car. Chris starts the car, turns and heads north, the way they came from. "What are you going turning around?", Jason asks. "There was a highway a little bit up the road, I figure if we take that, they wont be able to find us."

"Who's `they'?"

Chris just looks a Jason with a solemn stare they tells alot, but says nothing.

The car intersects highway 212 and they head west. They travel through a section of Wyoming, only to enter Montana moments later. It seems like every mile Jason asks if they had gone far enough, but everytime he asks, he gets the same answer, silence.

Hours pass and they can't get very many radio stations and it is getting late. They pass a sign that reads :LAME DEER 8mi LITTLE BIG HORN 56mi.

"I think we should stop at Lame Deer", Jason suggests. He continues to get the silent treatment.

As the car approaches Lame Deer, there is a double lane road that is runnning north, the car squeels as it turns onto it. Another span of time passes and Chris is turning on to roads without street signs. The road is dark and the sun has set a long time ago. In the distance there is a red light blinking. As they approach it, they see it is a small town. They stop at the blinking light and take a look around. To the left is a large building which appears to have a restaurant of some sort and to the right is a convinence store.

Chris turns to the left and into the parking lot. As they exit the car, they see the sign on the side of the building. It reads Coal Bowl. It even has a picture of Fred `Twinkletoes' Flintstone with his bowling ball and waterbuffalo hat. Chris looks around and finally says, "We can stop here" and begins walking in. "Here? Where they hell is here", Jason asks as he follows Chris into the restaurant.

The restaurant is standard family fare. Nothing too extravigant. It is filled with families and even some local color along the bar stools to the right. There are a lot of younger people working there as Jason notices as he looks into the open window to the kitchen. He has always been mindful of health code violations since working in a restaurant. Everything looked good. In the distance he could hear the sounds of bowling pins falling coming from the adjoining bowling alley.

The young hostess seats them at a booth, drops off some menus and walks off. Chris is studying the menu when Jason asks, "Okay so where are we?" Chris shrugs and says, "dunno". Just then a sweet voice says "You must be lost." The two boys look up to see a girl in her late-teens, dressed in a little checkered waitress uniform holding an order pad. She's even got a little paper hat on. "You're in Colstrip. Colstrip, Montana."

Sunday, May 15, 2005

 

ESP This!

Chris looked frantically at Jason, then at the ladies, then at the slowly approaching nutcase on his bike, pulling the weiners behind him.
"This shit is ridiculous!" he screamed, going into full-on panic mode.
Jason slammed the trunk shut and put his hands on his head in defeat looking back into the distance.
The two dirty birds, Cheryl and Patty, clucked frantically at one another, waving their hands wildly and spinning around dramatically in the middle of the road.
"Thank you both for saving our lives, but, I think this is the end of the line for us you guys!" Patty exclaimed. "Cheryl and I have PTA meetings to attend to, kids to cook macncheese for, and husbands to serve beer to. And by the way, I think my ESP is starting to wear off!"
And with that, a huge semi zoomed by, slamming the two filthy birds in its grill.
Jason and Chris looked at one another as the sudden death of the two women had them in awe.
Slowly in front of them, the hot dog weirdo cycled by, turning his head to look at them and stopping.
"Wanna buy my weenie?" he exclaimed, nodding down to his crotch.
His fly was open and his long, flaccid schlong, resembling an oversized cheeze-doodle, was exposed.

Monday, May 09, 2005

 

Blinding

"Let's just get going.", Chris said to the group.

The now, four members of this ongoing excusion slid into the car and got into place. Jason got in the driver's seat and placed his key in the ignition. As he turned the key, the engine came to life. His had put the car in gear and they took off. "So now what?", he asked.

Chris truns to face the passengers in the backseat. "I don't know about you ladies, but I'm getting pretty tired. Of course it seemed like a week or so since we did anything, but now that we are moving again it just seems..."

"What the hell is that?", Jason interupts.

Chris quickly turn to the look down the roadway and sees a large shiny object about a half mile down the road. "Can we go around it?"

"I'm not quite sure. Lets see."

"Here we go again. What's gonna happen this time?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

 

6 days 7 hours 23 minutes 5 seconds

"DAMMIT!" Thanks to that shirt, Jason just remembered he totally forgot about the rare, talking Gigli action figure auction he was the high bidder on just before their departure. He had figured they could stop somewhere with wifi and check on it via his laptop. But of course, due to all these random occurences, no luck. He was sure he'd lost it by now.

"What's wrong?" Chris asked.

"Ah nothing, it's stupid, but I'm pissed right now," Jason looked at the dirty birds embracing, "And just then I felt like I was in a chapter of Pulp Fiction."

Oh SHIT!. You are so right on. Let's call that chick Honeybunny from now on. I bet she'd help us rob a diner. Ha!" Chris laughed at himself, while Jason got this weird squinty look in his eyes...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

 

what the shit!?!?!

"okay, like i haven't said this enough times today, but WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS!!?!?" shouted chris as he pulled an oversized baby bootie from the trunk and flung it to the ground in horror.

"oh, whoops..." said jason sheepishly, "sorry dude, i kinda put that in the trunk back at the barn... you know,... like a souvenier..." he trailed off.

"open the trunk all the way, chris" patty said, as she stepped behind jason to shield herself from whatever horror may wait in the trunk.

chris took a step closer to the trunk. he reached out and grabbed it, yanking it open - a disheveled young woman popped up, pointing a revolver at them. "GET THE FUCK BACK, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!" she yelled.
 

Can You Hear Me Now?

Patty slowly put the phone down and tapped Jason on the shoulder.
He was already listening to the conversations she was having via cel phone in the back seat.
Jason slowed the car down as the three passengers turned their heads towards the trunk.
It was flapping wildly open as they were on the open highway and they were too busy listening to the Southern Fried sounds of SCOTS.
"Pull over" Chris blurted out, Jason slowly pulling off onto the dusty side of the road.
Patty exclaimed, "I may be psychic, but I didn't see this coming. You don't have to be a mind reader to know that whatever is back there in the trunk can't be good".
She locked her back doors and the two hesitant boys got out of the vehicle and approached the trunk.
The trunk door had flapped down. There was a little noise coming from the inside of the trunk, some moving around.
Chris reached his hand to open the trunk and...

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