Twisted Yarn

Patty calmly listened to the two young boys in the front of the car yammer on about how their lives were suddenly in turmoil.
Her life had taken a turn for the worse too.
But what a wonderful turn! She was able to meet her long lost son!
Her telepathic powers placed her in the back bed of that yokel's truck. She could have easily used her telekinetic abilities to release her restraints, but she waited patiently, digesting a mouthful of hand sanitizer all in the love for her long lost son.
"Jason, pull off the road at this next truck stop", she softly but sternly demanded.
Jason, busy conversing with his friend, twisted his head to the back seat, and listening to his long lost "mom", quickly turned the wheel so that they all went barreling into the parking lot of the "Take a Load Off Truck and Gas Stop".
Patty could sense that it was time for them to lay low a while.
Plus, she was dying for one of those Hostess Ding Dongs. The cream-filled center practically had her moist with anticipation.

"What the hell did you think I was going to say?", Jason replied. "For all i know you are just some bimbo that `Toothless Joe' picked up after skinny dipin' in Camp Crystal Lake. "You're not going to even ask me why I think that?", his so-called-mom asks. "Ah...No. I don't care to think what some crazy bitch thinks. It's bad enough we are only a day into our road trip. A road trip that I have been looking forward to and we get chased by a huge man dressed like a baby, wearing skin alover his head like he'd been at the beach too long...chased by cops after running over an old man, chased by cops after leaving a restaurant, crashed our car into a warehouse, which killed the big baby dude, ran into Destiny's Child, threw them out because they are damn annoying and all I wanted was a new CD, something to eat and to see Mount Rushmore!!!!!", Jason exclaims as he runs out of breath from his long statement.

"Holy Shit", Chris jumps in, "what a day!"

"You're tellin' me...", Jason agrees.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?!?!" yelled jason.

Patty primly folded her hands in her lap and stared out the window. "I knew you were going to say that," she replied.

"Now that you've rescued me, I have to tell you something," Patty said while fixing her bun. "There's a reason why you came upon me in that meat truck."

The guys looked at each other with the "oh great, another bible thumper" look on their faces.

"You're going to think I'm crazy..." she paused.

"Why would we think that?" Jason replied, while Chris held in a fit of laughter coming on.

"...I'm Jason's biological mother and I was calling out to him with the powers of my mind."

"You boys din't see nothin', you din't hear nothin'. You got that?" Festus said as he squinted at Jason's horrified expression etched out on his face.
"I didn't see a thing! How 'bout you Jay?" Chris babbled, looking quickly back at Jason, then back at the crazy old coot.
"Not. A. Thing." Jason stared at the blue tarp, almost fixated in a stare.
The old man, satisfied with those answers, shambled back to the front of the truck where his wacked out family stood clumped together.
Just as he shuffled away, Patty popped her head outta the tarp and, amazingly, reached a hand towards Jason and Chris.
"Gurgle, uggg...get me OUT of this truck!" she blurted out of breath, hand sanitizer streaming out of the corners of her mouth.
Without thinking, Jason yanked the older skinny woman out of the bed of the truck, muffled gasps of the other "game" fluttering excitedly underneath the blue tarp.
The two friends and their rescuee sprinted towards their Chevy.
Jason and the others whipped into the car and Jason turned the ignition, starting the car up and driving past the old man and his family.
"You boys off so soon?" he said disarmingly, having not paid attention to the rescue that took place while helping his littlest child learn how to make a loop with their knitting needle into some sort of material that was a pinkish flesh color.
"Yessir. Nice to meet you!" Jason yelled as the car barrelled back towards the highway.
"That was CLOSE!" Chris breathed heavily, and looking in the back at Patty.
The older woman was pulling on her turtleneck and squirting the remaining hand sanitizer into her hands and rubbing them together.
"Thank you boys so much!" she gasped, leaning back into the seat, looking out the back window as her captor and her fellow captives getting smaller in the distance.

The boys emerge from "Pauline's Pit", a seedy looking "family style restaurant". "Why did we do that?", Jason asks. "I know, I must have contracted at least seven food-born illnesses and a handful of communicable diseases while in there.", replies Chris. Jason bends over and in a gutteral voice states, "We should have ate somewhere else.". "Where in the middle of no-where. There is nothing else."

The duo hobbles to their car and sits for a moment. Staring blankly out the windshield at the long dust road ahead.

They fill up the tank and head on down Highway 90. As they aproach Rapid City, they see signs for Mouth Rushmore National Park. After what seemed like, hours of silence, Jason says, "You know, I've lived in South Dakota my whole life, and I've never seen Mt. Rushmore." Surprised, Chris responds, "You haven't, not even in a field trip in school?", Jason shakes his head, "Then let's go. I love it! It's so great, you wont believe the beauty!" Jason begins to think he opened his mouth too soon.

Chris merges the car onto I-16 towards Mt. Rushmore...

Jason and Chris made a distance they felt was cool to slow down a bit. "I'm still fuckin' hungry, dude," Jason told his pal.

"Well maybe this time we can find a place that doesn't serve man-babies and cops?" Chris added, "because I'm prejudiced like that."

"No complaints from me!" Jason replied.

The two drove looking around for somewhere, anywhere to eat... even a gas station. Just then they heard the low rumbling of a kickin' bassline getting louder as it was clearly coming closer. A ridiculously huge escalade with diamond encrusted license plates reading "DIVA4U" sped by making a meal of dirt & dust for the boys to chomp on.

Jason stuck half his body out the window and flipping the double bird yelled, "ASSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOOOOLES!!!!!!"

>COUGH!<
>COUGH!<
"Damn mothafuckas!" the one known as Beyonce cacked, as she stood up and brushed off the dark green, sequined mini she wore, designed exclusively by her mother.
"Well, I am sure we can find someone to give us a lift girl", Michelle confided, brushing her hair away from her face and standing.
" I don't want a FUCKIN' lift! I am a STAR! I shouldn't be on this damn dirt road in the middle of nowhere with you two fuckin' washups! I MADE our group! Without me, ya'll be two lil' nappyheeaads still livin' up in Texas!"
And with that, a silver Escale sped by and rammed into the sparkly diva, knocking her ass 40 feet in the air and leaving a serious dent in the front of the vehicle.
"Dayum. I have been wanting to do that for toooooo long, girls!" a voice purred, the tinted window slowly inching down on the perp car.
It was none other than Maxine from the hit girl group En Vogue!
"That bitch stole our act!" she sneered through the windshield as the luscious booty once known as Beyonce finally landed in the ditch on the side of the road.
"C'mon girls!" Maxine motioned to Kelly and Michelle. "It ain't yo' fault that bitch had a damn ego tha size of that fat ass o' hers! Get in! We'll drive you to Texas! We gon' run over that bitches momma too! I HATE them fuckin' dresses she make!"
Kelly and Michelle approached the car apprehensively, the back doors opening to expose a crowded clown car of girl groups from the past.
Members of En Vogue, SWV, Xscape, and Brownstone were smiling towards the newbies, all cramped up in the ride.
"Come on in, sistas!" they all cooed in unison.
The two looked at each other and entered the car, smirking over their shoulders and that dead-ass diva in the ditch.
"Now let's go after that momma o' hers!" Kellie growled as the back door closed and the car sped off, laughter trailing off into the night and the loud sound of bass and harmonizing R&B filling the air...

jason couldn't speak. his eyes wouldn't leave the bloated sack of fat in a shitfilled diaper laying on the car in front of him.

just close your eyes, damn you, look at the wall, look at freaking destiny's child, look anywhere. just stop fucking looking at this, he scolded himself silently.

"HEY ASS!!!"

jason was jerked out of his trance - he turned to see chris yelling at him. The fabulous ladies of Destiny's Child were obviously stranded, and they needed a ride.

"will they help us get this thing off the hood?" jason asked, jerking a thumb towards the whale of a corpse. he marvelled at how it already smelled 500 times worse than it did when it was living.

"don't mind my retarded friend here," chris said to beyonce. "uh... i think we're gonna go now," he said over his shoulder to the cop as he ushered the women towards the cavalier.

jason had retrieved a crowbar from the trunk. he slid it under manbaby and tried to use his weight as leverage to move the body. it wouldn't budge. chris walked over and tried to help. nothing. finally, with destiny's child standing on the crowbar singing the national anthem and the three men pushing downwards, manbaby started to roll. it was a sickly wet sound as he hit the ground, what looked like diarrhea oozing out of his wilted diaper. the guys and the rockinest r&b divas ever got into the car and peeled out.

"how the fuck am i gonna explain this one?" said dangle to himself as 5 more police units finally pulled up, with the cops camera crew in tow.

As "Dangle" walked further into the dark building, he remembered, flashlights are part of my arsenal. The flashlight sparked to life as he pointed into the dark abyss, revealing the horrors that lurked beyond.

Dangle noticed three large high chairs with people in them. His heart started to race. He could not make out the faces of the trio in the chairs because their backs were to him. This adds an additional feeling of dread. "Should I continue in or wait for back up?", he thought. Supressing the fear, he proceeded to carry his shorty shorts and his piece into the unknown.

"Put your hands up!", he shouts. Six fraile arms reach towards the ceiling above. They are shaking. "Where's that big fuckin' freak baby thing?" He looks around. He's not to be seen, but Dangle knows that he's there. He can still smell him. His thoughts are taking over...
Oh God, the smell.

Getting close to the three high chairs now.

What was that!?!

Damn, where the hell is that ugly mother fucker?


As Dangle walks around the trio in the high chairs, he starts to make out their faces. These ladies look familiar. As he catches himself in a stare, the ManBaby jumps out of the oversized diaper basket in the corner of the room. He is running towards Dangle. He's got what looks like a milk bottle in his hand.

Just as the ManBaby is about to unleash whatever evil lurks in the bottle he is weilding, a loud crash is heard and light comes pouring into the building. A car is crashing through the wall. The car is heading for the ManBaby. The car is a Chevy Caviler. It's Jason and Chris!

Their car slams in to the ManBaby and barely misses Dangle as he runs over to the trio in the highchair and pushes them to the ground and out of the way of the speeding car. Dangle now remembers where he has seen these women before, on that music video with that marching band. It's Destiny's Child.

The Caviler comes to a stop, with the ManBaby still attached to the front of the car like a hood orniment or one of those pretty mermaid girls on old pirate ships. Jason and Chris stumble out of the car and see Dangle and the girls.

"Oh my God! It's Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle!", Chris exclaims.

With a report on his radio, Dangle stands up and takes off, his REALLY short shorts bunching up into his beans and franks and nesting up his buttcrack.
The officer rounds a corner in hot pursuit of the hulking Man Baby. He follows the distinct aroma of baby powder and human excriment to an abondoned warehouse.
As he entered the dark building, he could hear shuffling off in the distance.
"Backup! I need backup!" he whispered forcefully into his walkie.
He could hear the faint wail of the Man-Baby crying for his bottle and for a new change of diaper.
"If you could bring some new Pampers, that would be a plus!" Dangle finished, as he widened his eyes in horror at the unGodly odor that eminated from MB's trail of stench.

Through the muted vastness of the baby food, the struggling office Estrada heard the sound of screetching tires and the whir of a police siren. The manbaby releases his pressure on Estrada and ducks out of sight. The officer, responding to the call for back-up, steps out of his cruiser.

He is dressed in tight fitting shorty pants. He dresses this way to combat the `bitchin' heat' or so he says. People on the force call him "Dangle" based off some character in a T.V. show. It doesn't bother him much, but then again, he's never seen the show.

He runs over to his fellow officer in distress and pulls him out of the slop. Estrada still has the bib around his neck. As he coughs up the pune's, he asks, while trying to recapture his breath, "Did... you... see... where... he... went?"

Dangle looks around to see if he can find the perp.

Estrada ever so coolly slid back into his '83 Chevy Caprice cruiser and popped in his Inner Circle 8-Track tape. He had it custom made so he could do his job the right way... the only song on it being "Bad Boys", on an endless loop.

He fastened his seat belt, adjusted his mirrors, checked his blindspots, started the car, turned on his blinker, checked his blindspots again, made sure no children were playing in or around the vehicle, tuned the dispatch radio to the proper frequency, checked his blindspots once more, used the biker's turn signal with his arm, and finally slowly advanced the cruiser into the deserted street.

He got up to 40mph and no further than a block away when SCREEEEEEEECH... he slammed on the breaks after noticing a baby's pacifier on the dashboard. "What in the B.A. Barracus is this?" he asked aloud...

"backup, i repeat, i need backup!" officer estrada yelled into his mic. "i was just about to dispatch some units to harbor division when i was able to id one of the suspects from the hit and run this morning! i'm in pursuit now!"

there was silence on the other end of the line. darlene just hated when he said that bit about harbor division. why didn't he just say i was taking a shit like everyone else? she sighed. "copy that, what's your 20?"

estrada detailed the street they were on and where they were headed. he put on his aviators and checked his hair in the rearview mirror before settling in for what looked like an interesting chase. he broke out a new piece of dentyne, thanking god that cops was filming in his city today and that he had remembered to shine his shoes.

Chris looks up from his plate and like a dog, stares at Jason with his head titled in confusion. Chris grabs Jason by the shirt collar and drags him out the door. "But what about our lunch? I'm starving!", Jason excalaims as he's being pulled out the door and the sight (as disturbing as it is) of his food, is getting smaller as it goes out of view. He hears Dirty Darlene screaming for them to come back because they haven't paid. They get in the car fast and start to drive off. As they are leaving the parking lot, they can see through the heavily stained windows, Darlene telling the cop about their "Dine and Dash". The cop runs for his patrol car and begins pursuit.

As Jason and Chris are speeding down the road with the police a block or two behind them in pursuit, Jason asks, "Would you mind telling me what the fuck that was about?"

Then the gurgly voice started in, "Goo goo ga ga, baby needs a diaper change." Jason's sphincter tightened up faster than a jennifer lopez record falls on the billboard chart. "Goo goo ga ga..." said the voice, and Jason slowly reached down pulling up his shorts as he stood.

"Baby needs a di-," the voice stopped as the bathroom door opened and someone else walked in. Jason could barely breathe as he heard a radio transmission, "All units be on alert for murder suspects."

"Oh SHIT," Jason though to himself... It's a cop! Keeping an eye on the booties next door, he made his move and quickly exited the stall and exchanged "Hi's" with the cop who grabbed his place in the stall. He hauled ass to the table where Chris was examining his Business Woman's Special.

Feigning a smile and without opening his teeth he quietly demanded, "Let's. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. Here!"

Jason sat in the stall, plop after plop, strain after strain, remembering that LAST time he used a public bathroom.
He was 7 years old. He was sent into the mens room by his mom at the local K-Mart to go "job" as she would call it: which meant, #2.
Jason went into the scary looking bathroom and entered one of the filthy stalls.
He put some paper on the seat gingerly, and pulled his shorts down and sat up on the pot. Looking around, he noticed all of the walls of the stall had writing. Lots of phone numbers. Lots of 4 letter words he didn't understand.
There WAS one thing though. A little hole in the wall. He heard a noise in the next stall and noticed someone through the hole. They were, what it seemed like to him, wrestling themselves between the legs, to put it mildly. The man suddenly stopped, looked into the hole at him and said, "Eat me".
To this day, Jason doesn't use public bathrooms, he thought to himself.
As if the nightmare was coming back into stark reality for him, Jason heard a small muffled moan at first coming from the stall next to him. The small moan then started to transform into baby babbling.
Who the fuck is in the next stall doing baby gibberish?
He slowly leaned down to look under the stall next to him and noticed two large sized feet with oversized, stained baby booties on them.
He looked back up and gulped.

"Your stomach may be speaking in tongues, but I am TOTALLY prairie-doggin' it dude!" Jason moaned as he wiggled in his seat.
"Pull over at the next food joint, dude" Chris winced.
With that, the two road refugees pulled into Ted's Tastee Freaks.
Turning the engine off, Jason waddled/ran to the men's room and Chris sauntered his way to the register.
Little did the two of them know, parked next to them was a familiar '65 Cadillac...

And what a scent it was. Just then, Jason released a silent but deadly fart that could have killed a third world nation. The knot in Jason's stomach suddenly came back. Since the excitement had died down, he now remembered he had to take the unholiest of dumps, but he HATED more than anything the thought of using a public restroom. Ever since the incident at least.

"oh thank god you found it!"

jason spun around to see a woman pushing a stroller. he stared at her blankly, wondering what the hell she was talking about and if he'd find that freaky manbaby by the wiggles display.

the woman took the rattle out of his hand. "little timmy's been crying ever since he realized it was gone. that was five hours ago... i thought he'd just forget about it eventually." jason continued to stare at her silently. "well, thanks again," she said, as she wheeled her now-quiet timmy towards the door.

as jason scanned the store for his r&b-loving friend his mind was racing, wondering if man-baby sent the milf over to throw him off the scent.

Unbeknownst to Jason and Chris, the Man-Baby gets back into his car, places the knitting needles down on the seat next to him and starts the ignition. He slowly heads down the same dirt road that the two young men have just fled down. He's got a scent. He thinks he knows where they went. How could he? They drove off so fast. The dust that their tires kicked up masked any sort of clue to where they went. Still, he... it...continued on.

"What the fuck was that back there?", Chris screams.

The cars speedometer is racing along at 85MPH, they are racing in and out of traffic. They speed past the Best Buy. "The Destiny's Child video is gonna have to wait.", Jason says, "Let's just get the fuck out of here."

....an overgrown Man-Baby in a bonnet made of human cheek flesh. He was using a rusty knitting needle to sew what looked like human skin into a sort of "flesh sweater".
Jason and Chris looked at one another, all desires to pick up a few goodies dashed.
They slowly backed up and re-entered their car.
"Po-po tailing us or not, this place is fuckin' crazy!" Jason whispered out of the side of his mouth.
As he started the car and slowly backed it up down the dirt road in clouds of dust, the large Man-Baby put a bootied-foot out of the car and he stood up in the sun, the lipstick messily scrawled on his twisted puss, glistening. He held the knitting tools limply in his big meaty grip.
As he became smaller in the rearview, Jason and Chris could hear a loud, inhuman wailing coming from the twisted roadside stop. And in the background...."ooooo child, things are gonna get better"......beckoned to them, like a song of hope.
"I really wanted that dickey for Mom" Jason sighed as Chris leaned back in his seat, contemplating their next stop.

"well i had some dry cleaning i had to pick up," says chris, "and i really need to take killer party back to the video store. i hate them so much, they're total nazis about late charges. oh and this song reminds me - doesn't the new destiny's child video come out today? we should totally go to best buy."

there was a long pause.

"you're real fuckin' great at a party chris," says jason. he turns the radio up as they head towards the highway.

"Good Idea", said Jason as he gets out of the car to grab the bottle. Just as he's grabbing the bottle Mrs. Garberton, the nosey next door neighboor is watching from behind her living room window. She's on the phone and staring at the two boys. Jason calls to Chris, "I think we've been spotted". Chris tells Jason to get back in the car. Paying an homage to The Dukes of Hazzard, Jason jumps through the window as the car peels of down the street. The sound of sirens can be heard. Jason sticks his head out the window and screams at the old bitch watching him. "I'll kill you if you tell, just like this old fuck!". As he refrences the late Mr. Parker, the car hits a thump in the road. The thump was the old man they just killed.

The song is still playing on the radio...

"There's no load I can't hold, Road so rough this I know, I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors!!!!!!"

"Where should we go first Chris?"

Jason stared squinty-eyed into the rearview mirror as the Jesus Is My Homeboy air freshener dangled about. He replied, "Yeah, I have no clue what this song is about either."

"Not that you idiot!" Chris squealed, "You just killed the old man!"

They both paused and looked at each other. "Oh yeah," Jason said.

"Nice job," Chris giggled, as he high-fived his friend. "Now let's get his flask of whiskey..."

Moments after sliding in his "On the Road Again" mix tape filled with 80's pop road hits, Jason suddenly succumbed to one of those dark voices in his head.
It was instantaneous.
Without Chris even looking up, he slammed on the brakes, put 'er in reverse, and stepped on the gas, aiming the bumper of his car like a homing missile towards old crotchety Mr. Parker. That old turd would never doubt him and his choices again.
With a loud thump, the car hit the elderly man, throwing his fishing cap off his head and his cane to the ground.
As if coming out of a coma, Jason stared at the dashboard. All he could hear was the loud incessant screams coming from Chris. "What the FUCK? What the FUCK?"
The sounds of Tom Cochran on the radio "Life is a highway....I wanna ride it all night looooong" playing in the background...

It's a cold and snowy day in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. As the snow begins to fall, two young men are beginning to put suitcases in the trunk of a grey Chevy Cavalier parked in front of a house in the middle of a congested neighborhood. One of the men, a tall drink of water with dark brown hair turns to the other. "Jason, can you believe that we are actually going through with this?" Jason stops for a moment to ponder the question he was just asked. "How long have we been talking about going on this road trip and now we are finally doing it!", he responds. "I know, it seems surreal."

As the two men continue to load the car, making sure to fill up as much space as possible so no inch is left unused, an elderly man approaches. "You two really going on this trip?" he asks. "Yes sir we are.", Jason responds. "It's damn foolish, driving off to God knows where, not having any plans..."

"That's where you are wrong Mr. Parker, we have a plan.", the young man interrupts. "Oh yeah? Well enlighten me Chris, what would that be?", the old man asks. "Our plan is to head to warmer climate, see what there is to be seen, live like we want to live, do what we want to do and prove to ourselves that there is more to life than Sioux Falls.", He responds.

"Well, if you ask me you're making a big mistake. You've got no money, no real plan, nowhere to go and no clue how to survive in the real world.", the old man insists.

The two men climb into their seats in the car, Chris takes the wheel and Jason is in the passenger seat. Chris turns his head out the window and takes one last look at Mr. Parker and says, "Well, nobody asked you. We'll do fine. Thanks for your vote of confidence."

He starts the ignition and takes off down the road. The old man watches as the car vanishes into nothingness. "Damn fools.", he mutters under his breath...

Hey babies! This will soon become a growing online community for creative people. This will be a place for us to showcase our imaginations to the world. This will be a place where above all else, you can laugh. In the coming weeks, we will start a story and through out the week, members can add to the story and take it in whatever direction they want. So, stop back soon because in the next few days... the yarn gets twisted.